This is a true story, well at least not entirely fiction, about Oscar Rat. As told by that astounding rodent himself. Don’t feel you have to critique it. I simply put together some diverse legends about him, figuring some of you would like to know his history. A true biography of Oscar Rat. My best friend and not very loyal companion.
By Charlie - hvysmker
***
Young Oscar Rat hopped down from a chair and over to his book, careful to leave no smudges and, grasping the edge, he turned the page. The young rat then went back to his perch and continued reading. It was a compilation of Shakespeare’s plays. One of his favorites.
Oscar’s great-grandmother had been a typical lab rat when she was young. Only one of a large litter born in the laboratory at the University of Hawaii in Honolulu. She was unexceptional, until one fateful day when she was injected with a drug designed to increase her sex drive.
The drug not only accomplished that task, but also increased her intelligence -- exponentially. With her new attributes of fertility and human-like intelligence, she soon escaped her cage, letting out all the experimental animals -- including a huge wharf rat.
She and the large rat married and her abilities somehow became genetic, along with human longevity. Soon, she was the mother of dozens of intelligent rats. Then the grandmother of many more. Eventually becoming the great-grandmother of many, many, many intelligent and long-lived rats.
Her progeny, a large colony by the time of Oscar's birth, lived in the basement of the Science Building. They were well read and mannered, easily keeping out of the way of humans.
Oscar inherited all her better traits. He was unique in that he was also adventurous. Most of his contemporaries had been content to stay at home but young Oscar wanted to be a writer. He realized that to be a great writer, he needed experience in the real world. It was well and good to be safe in the academic atmosphere of the University, but he needed experiences and adventures to write about.
One fateful afternoon, becoming bored with the bard’s work, Oscar sat thinking. He had been reading all afternoon and craved some excitement. University life was soft, with little changes from day to day. The young rat wanted to see the world himself, rather than just read about it. He'd made up his mind, that he had to get started while he was still young.
“Hey, Oscar. You wanta’ play some ball?” interrupted his contemplations. Oscar looked over and saw his friend, Ronnie.
“Na, don’t think so, Ron,” was his reply, glad for the interruption. He hadn’t thought he would ever be bored by Shakespeare, but it was so. Oscar had been very restless lately.
“Why don’t we go see Spike?” He asked his friend. “I want to ask him some questions, about outside.”
Spike, the cat, was a good friend, and had many tales to tell of the world outside the Science Building. In his younger days, Spike had been all over the island of Oahu.
The two rodents started off to search for their feline friend. It being Sunday, they didn’t have to worry much about humans. Humans made a lot of noise and were easy to avoid.
The rats found Spike dozing off at his usual spot in the sunshine near the front window.
“Wha’, who goes there?” Spike jumped up. He was a very light sleeper, taking his job seriously and accosting any intruders with his sharp claws and teeth. His only problems being arthritic joints and poor eyesight from his advanced age.
“It’s me and Oscar,” Ronnie replied, “killing time. How you doin’, Spike?”
“Oh. You can advance,” Spike replied, straining his old eyes to see their blurs. “Okay, no burglars or nothing like that. I keep a good watch. Just resting my eyes is all. I never sleep on duty.”
The three made small talk, mostly Spike telling war stories about his youth on the outside. Finally, Ronnie left, and Oscar could get down to business. He pumped Spike about what it was really like “Outside.”
"I want to go tomorrow, Spike," Oscar told him, "I hear that, somewhere, there's a golden city, filled with human leftovers, where guys like us live in peace with cats, dogs, and humans."
“To begin with, young fellow, you have to avoid cats. Most of them want to eat you.”
“You never did that, did you Spike?”
“Well, Uh, you see, I -- I -- no -- no -- no, Oscar. I never ate rats, but a lot of cats do, so keep away from them, you hear?”
“Okay, Spike. I’ll remember that.” Oscar nodded, excited.
“It’s best if you hide and sleep during the daylight, and eat and travel only at night,” Spike cautioned him, “and be careful crossing streets. Those big machines on the roads are fast. If you see one, stay off the street. At night they have big lights so you can see them coming but in the daylight they’re too fast to see.”
“I read a book that said we were on an island, and that if I caught a ship I could go to a bigger land. Is that true, Spike?”
“I’ve seen ships before but never been on one. Those things are huge and stay on the water. Us cats don’t like water much.”
“I don't mind really mind water. I bathe every day. I’m gonna go tomorrow morning, and seek my fortune in the big ‘Outside.’ I hear there’s a place where rats rule, full of pizza and beer. I want to find it.”
“I wish you would stay, Oscar -- but I understand the urge to roam.” Spike sighed, now becoming lost in thoughts of his own adventures when young. His somewhat senile mind was striving for forgotten memories. Oscar knew better than to disturb his friend. Spike spent more and more time with his memories lately.
The next morning, long before sunup, Oscar wrote a note for his mother and started looking for Spike. The old cat showed him to a secret exit. The nervous rat had never been outside the building before but tried to hide that fact from his friend.
“Goodbye, and good luck, young rat.” Spike hugged Oscar and watched him leave his home, heart set on adventure.
The night seemed very still and dark as Oscar heard the little window slam shut behind him. He was scared and thought of going back. He could still return, to a lifetime of reading old books and wondering what the world was really like.
Forcing himself, the young rat took his first step into the unknown. The other three feet followed, and he was soon stepping briskly across the closely cropped grass of the college campus.
Following his friend Spike’s advice, Oscar headed south toward Waikiki. He soon came to a street. Curiously, he waited for a car to go by, wondering how much time he would have to cross the street afterward, before the next monster arrived. At first, he saw a light in the distance. A few seconds later, it lit up the roadway so bright he had to shut his eyes.
The ground shook and the light seemed brighter through his closed eyelids. A roar got louder and even louder, scaring him even more. Suddenly a wind whipped through his fur, almost knocking him down. The huge object was gone, leaving an oily smell behind. The light cut off and Oscar opened his eyes to see some small red lights fading in the distance. That monster could kill me, Oscar thought, I better study it's activities before I try to run across that wide empty space. A little basic calculus should help.
Oscar waited while a half dozen more autos went down the street, noting the time and distance down by scratching his calculations on the pavement with his claws. He had to guess at things like speed and distances. Finally, estimating the time from the first ground shaking to the time the auto arrived, he figured how long he had to cross the street. I’d better be right, my life depends on it, he thought.
Waiting, and screwing up his courage, Oscar ran as fast as he could across the street. Once on the other side, his legs folded and he lay panting; waiting for his heart to settle down. One down, and many more to go, he thought.
The rat came upon half a hamburger sandwich lying in a front yard. Although not being very hungry, he followed Spike’s advice and paused to eat his fill. Pretty much like the ones at the University, he decided -- too much mustard though.
The wandering rat licked his whiskers and resumed his walking. I better find a place to hide for the day, he decided, noticing it was getting lighter out. He heard cats calling in the distance, and hurried, keeping a watch out for danger and a place to hide for the day.
“Hey buddy, you better get home. It’s going to rain,” somebody called to him. Oscar looked over to his right and saw a big dog looking at him.
“I don’t have a home, Kind Sir,” Oscar answered, “can you recommend lodgings for the day?”
“Well, you sound like an educated little rat. If you want, you can stay here today,” The dog told him, “I could use someone to talk to.” He paused a moment, “you would have to take a few burrs out of my coat though, I can’t do it myself.”
Oscar was glad to take him up on the offer, since he himself didn’t know the first thing about finding shelter. He went over and the dog, who’s name turned out to be “Tommy,” showed him a nice place under the front porch.
“No cats dare come into this yard, so you can feel safe, little feller,” Tommy told him, “I gotta go in the house for awhile, to wake up my humans, see you later.”
“Thank you, Sir.” Oscar settled down to take a nap. During the day he would often wake to the sounds of cats hunting, sometimes by screams of pain from their prey. It was hard for him to equate the sounds to his friend Spike. Occasionally a cat would walk by on the sidewalk, but none ventured into the yard. It scared Oscar to see the way they walked and the look in their eyes. He would shudder and hide behind the porch steps when he saw them.
Oscar had to spend the afternoon prying burrs out of Tommy’s fur. The dog had spent a lifetime walking the streets and kept up a nonstop monologue of his experiences, especially in regard to cats, whom the dog didn’t much care for.
When the sun went down, Oscar set out again on his quest for adventure. Heading south again, he came upon a huge flowing river. That must be the Ala Wai Canal, he decided. Not knowing which way was the shortest, he turned to his left and continued.
A few hours later, the rat found a bridge crossing the canal. Following the edge of the bridge, he crossed carefully; after first looking for cats. Then he walked southeast. He knew that sooner or later he was bound to find the ocean. After that he would have to follow the shore and look for a ship to board.
Oscar was walking along, south of Kuhio street, when he heard a low growl behind him. Shaking, he looked over a shoulder and saw two eyes shining at him. It was a large gray cat, almost lost in the shadows. The scared rat started walking faster. If he listened hard, he could hear rustling behind him. Every once in a while there would be another growl. He knew, from reading books, that the cat was playing with him. Later, it would try to kill him. I should have stayed home, Oscar thought, waiting to feel the foul breathe of the monster on his back.
Shivering, unable to take the suspense, Oscar began running. A loud “Meow” told him the cat was done playing and wanted to eat him then and there. Oscar felt a hot breath on his tail as he dodged under a stack of old boards, behind one of the buildings.
“Meowoor,” The cat bleated in anger, hitting its head on a rotten plank. It backed up and tried to reach the quivering rodent. Then it began to dig.
Oscar crouched as far back as he could under the boards, willing himself to sink into the ground. His eyes blurred with tears as he shook in fear. While in a panic, he heard other “Meowing.” It was in different voices, as other cats joined in the game.
“Hey! Shut the hell up,” an angry human voice spoke, and the cats quieted. Loud footsteps sounded, as Oscar cringed under his board. The footsteps got louder, and then rapidly receded, as someone walked by, shaking the ground. Whimpers and low growls filled the still air, as Oscar heard the cats retreating, “And stay away from here.”
The sun had come up, and Oscar had to find somewhere better to hide. Under the woodpile would have been good except that the cats could be back at any time, and probably dig him out. He peered carefully out one end of his hiding place. An old house stood in front of him, with a newer wooden fence next to it. He could see a street in the other direction, and – oh my god, two cats.
As Oscar stepped, tentatively, away from the board, he heard a distant “Meow” and saw one of the cats racing in his direction. Oscar ran for the house, his eyes searching for a place to hide. He saw an inch or so of space under a door, and ran that way. The hell with it, he thought, as he frantically squeezed inside. A few seconds later he looked back, panting, to see paws reaching under the door. He was safe for the moment, the crack being far too small for the cats to enter.
Well, looks like I’m staying here today, he thought, as he looked around, spying an old pizza crust lying under a table. Oscar ran under an empty easy chair and continued to eye the room. It was a studio apartment, one dirty room with old furniture. He could see a porcelain bathtub through an open doorway.
The scared rat couldn’t see or hear anyone, so he ran over to the doorway to check the bathroom. It was empty, with a closet across one wall. Should be alright, he thought, not noticing any smell of dogs or cats inside. Oscar then went back to the other room for the pizza crust and dragged it under the bathtub.
While he was eating breakfast, Oscar heard the door open. He could see a human come in with a bag of groceries and a handful of books. Can’t be all bad, if he reads books, Oscar thought. Maybe I can borrow one? he thought, munching on the delicious crust. He ate the whole thing. Oscar liked the crust but really loved the bits of dried cheese. He then swept all the crumbs up in a little pile and ate them too. His mother had taught him never to leave a mess, especially where a human would see it.
"It's not nice to leave a mess," she often told him, "neither polite nor tidy. Besides, if humans see messy rat leavings, they'll set traps and try to hurt you."
Hearing a television come on in the living-room, the rat found a pair of dirty socks and pulled them under the tub. In that way, he fashioned a comfortable makeshift nest and went to sleep. It had been a hectic day for the rodent.
When Oscar woke, the television was still on and he could see the human reading a book and sitting on the easy-chair. Oscar could see almost the entire room from under the bathtub. He was thirsty and looked around for water. The only place he knew was in the toilet next to the tub.
He had drank out of them, a few times, at the University. A guy had to be careful though. Oscar remembered when his brother, Harry, had fallen in and almost drowned. Some of the others, hearing his cries, had finally thrown something in for Harry to climb out on.
Oscar managed to jump onto the seat, which was down. The water looked so inviting that he couldn't resist. Oscar listened carefully, and the human was still quiet. He then braced his back feet by wrapping his tail around a metal stud, and reached down. Oscar was taking a long satisfying swallow, when he could feel one of his back feet slipping. Jerking back, he almost made it to safety, before tumbling down into the water -- with a splash.
The rat surfaced, sputtering, to claw at the hard surface. He had never been more scared in his life, as he continued to claw at the smooth glassy porcelain. To make matters even more serious, he could feel the floor shaking and hear the chair squeak, as the human stood up to investigate the noise.
An almost petrified Oscar clawed furiously at the porcelain bowl. Panting loudly, his bugged out eyes looked up and saw the human looking down at him. Worn out, he let go, in resignation, and began to say his prayers. Oscar knew, just knew, that any moment the human would stick him with a knife or shoot him with a gun. He had read all the stories. Oscar could only lie still in the water, thinking how stupid he had been to leave his nice, comfortable home. Playing dead, and expecting to soon be dead for real, he closed his eyes, shuddered involuntarily, and waited.
A couple of minutes, that seemed like hours, later, he noticed something hard pushing at his fur and could picture the knife skewering his precious hide. Oscar was surprised when he was picked up and lifted from the water. As he felt himself moving through the air, Oscar opened his eyes. The human was carrying him, high up in the air, and moving toward the outside door.
Oscar didn’t struggle; not wanting to be dropped from that height. He was taken outside and placed gently on the ground. In wonder and relief, he saw the human retreating back to the open door and going inside.
Oscar scurried back under the, now familiar, wood pile, chilled from fear and wet fur. He could see the door close behind the human. The rat couldn’t believe his luck.
Oscar spent a couple of days under the wood pile. The rat wanted to study the cats, and determine when it would be safest to leave. He found that there were about a half dozen of the animals. Whenever he thought he had their motions figured out, he would see another one. Two of them patrolled the area all night long. The fence alongside the house was new and rat tight.
Oscar got hungrier and hungrier while trying to find a way out. There weren’t any mud puddles for him to drink out of, and no rain. He could see a water dish in front of one of the apartments, the one where three cats lived. It was out of the question.
Maybe I can sneak in while the human’s gone? Oscar thought, I have to find something to eat and drink. I’m too weak to run past all those cats.
He waited patiently, until the human left. It was evening when Oscar saw the doorway light up, as the apartment door opened wide and the human walked away. A few minutes later, Oscar ran over to the door and squeezed inside. Everything was the same as the last time, except it was dark inside. He could see a little bit as he tiptoed across the room, his nose trying to sniff out water and food.
Oscar could smell something edible, the odor drifting downward. He jumped up on the easy-chair and scampered up its back. Closer, he could smell food on a plate on a table next to the chair; also a cup containing a dark liquid. Oscar stepped back as far as he could and, running forward, leaped onto the table. He slid a foot or so across the top before stopping against a table-lamp.
Having often eaten in the University Cafeteria, he knew better than to nibble on the half a hotdog on the plate, someone might notice later, so he dragged a small piece of cold french fry onto the table. He made sure he ate the whole thing, followed by a green bean and piece of shriveled lettuce. Oscar always tried to eat his greens. He then drank his fill of cold coffee. Before leaving, Oscar made certain he hadn’t made any mess. His mother would be mad if he had.
Oscar pushed a couple of pieces of potato off, onto the floor, for later. Then he jumped back to the chair and scampered down it to the floor. Pushing the potatoes ahead of him, Oscar went back to his old hideout under the bathtub. The dirty socks were still there.
Not only that, but he saw two small bowls next to the toilet. One held food and the other water. Confused, Oscar didn’t know what to think of that. I’ll think about it tomorrow, he thought, right now I have to get some sleep. For the first time in days the little rat felt safe and, snuggling his nose into the smelly socks, fell asleep.
Oscar liked it there. The human treated him well and kept him fed; even gave him a lot of pizza. Noticing that Oscar liked pepperoni, the man often brought that kind, sometimes even pepperoni by itself.
The contented rat found a good place to sleep, under a table in the living room. He could watch both the human and the television from there. A fan kept him cool in the hot weather. He could go out when he wanted and kept his own hours.
After a month or so, the cats got used to having him around and didn’t bother him as much. He still didn’t trust them though. They weren’t as old as Spike and played too hard for Oscar.
He did get friendly with a cat named Squeaky, with Squeaky protecting him, the others stopped trying to eat him. One day a man came with a net and a cage, and took most of the cats away. They missed Squeaky, whom had been playing with Oscar behind the house. With no other cats around, Squeaky and Oscar would sit and talk for hours. Some other rats had been eating the cat’s food earlier and that was why they wanted to get him before. Some cats just hated rats though, Squeaky confided.
Oscar explored that part of town and learned how to get to the seaport, where he could maybe sneak onto a ship. He wasn’t in any hurry, enjoying the easy lifestyle.
The human, Charlie ( Myself, the narrator ), let Oscar read his books. Most of them were about computers, though, which didn’t interest Oscar. Charlie worked nights with a very big computer downtown.
One afternoon, while Oscar was reading a book under the bathtub, Charlie came home. Oscar could hear him in the living room. The human pulled the bathroom door almost closed, an uncommon occurrence which surprised the rat. He could hear two people in the other room, and smell a fresh pizza.
“Come on, Honey,” he could hear Charlie say, “lets have something to eat.”
“I would rather eat something else, Charlie,” A woman’s voice answered.
“Later. The pizza’s getting cold.”
Oscar, curious and hungry, went over to the partially closed door, and stuck his head out to see what was going on.
He saw a human girl sitting on the bed with her shoes off and a piece of pepperoni pizza in her hand. About the same time, the girl saw Oscar looking at her.
“Eeeeeeeeuhhh, what’s that?” she screamed, jumping up, “A Rraaattt. You REALLY got a rat in here.” She ran to the door, with Charlie trying to grab her.
“It’s only Oscar, Sweety.” He grabbed at her arm, but she just kept going out the door.
On his part, Oscar ran back under the bathtub and hid, shaking, under his open book. Charlie didn’t know what to do. He stood in the doorway watching his girlfriend run away. Then he had to deal with an equally frightened Oscar.
“I told her about you, I guess she didn’t believe me,” he tried to placate Oscar, who was still frightened. Oscar hid under the tub all night, coming out the next morning to eat some cold pizza.
Oscar eventually got bored and figured it was time to resume his journey. Late one night, he took a bath, cleaned up his nest, and set out to find a ship. Somewhere in the big wide world there must be a place for him. A place where rats could be themselves, away from cats and humans.
***
Waiting until a fat woman entered the front door of the “Ezboard Writing Groups” building, Oscar the rat followed in her wake. The enormous lobby extended into the distance. Oscar eased behind a potted palm to hide while he decided how to get to his destination. After many adventures in the real world, he had finally tracked his friend Charlie down.
His little heart beating from anxiety, the rat peered around the fixture. He was looking for the "For Writers, by Writers" suite. His friend Charlie had invited him to visit at Charlie’s new apartment there, but Oscar had lost the number. Since he couldn’t just walk up and ask someone, Oscar would have a hard time finding the FWBW suite. He thought it was on the second floor, two hundred and something. Oscar could read but, since rats don’t have pockets, he had no way of carrying the note with him.
Looking both ways, Oscar ventured out along the wall, trying to keep away from the security guard’s sight. The cautious rat ran from potted palm, to ashtray, to “Wet Floor” sign. He could see the elevators -- about thirty feet away.
Next to the elevator, Oscar could see a plaque on the wall, listing room numbers. He looked around. Nobody was looking toward the elevator, so he took a chance and scurried away from the wall, so he could read the listing.
Finding the suite number, he figured all he had to do was wait for the elevator.
“Shreeeeek!” He heard, “a raaaatttt! Over by the elevator. Please save me.”
As Oscar ran for the nearest shelter, a standing ashtray, he could hear people running behind him. A scared rodent, he tried to jump up, to hide inside the ashtray, but it was too tall. About that time, a door opened beside the panicked little rat. Oscar ran inside the opening door, which closed behind him.
It was the fire stairs. The door shook as a human tried to open it from the lobby. Luckily it only opened from the inside. Oscar stood for a moment, then ran up the steps to the second floor.
He was lucky at the second floor landing. Someone had propped the door open a few inches. Oscar looked out carefully, then tiptoed into the hallway. He saw a couple of humans coming down the corridor. Before they could see him, Oscar dodged under a door and found himself in a broom closet. He thought it would be a good thing to wait until night time, before trying to find Charlie. He could only hope there weren’t any mean cats in the building.
“Get off my tail, butthole,” he heard someone complaining behind him. It was a female rat he found to be named Lois. She showed him a back way to Charlie’s room. The room was in a mess, with dirty clothes and old snacks laying around. Charlie wasn’t home so he and Lois cleaned up the clutter. Oscar was not only taught to never leave a mess, but and to leave a room neater than when he entered.
Eventually Charlie came home and found them. He was happy to see Oscar, and was introduced to Lois. It was a happy occasion. Oscar was even a celebrity, since Charlie had written several stories about him.
***
Since then Oscar has become a writer himself. He’s a full member of a half dozen writing sites, and writes only rat oriented stories. Since finding the elusive "Rat Archives," a repository of rat history since before men walked the Earth, he has thousands of tails – I mean tales – to write. He even has his own room in the Ezboard building.
He hangs out at the "For Writers, by Writers" site:
http://p221.ezboard.com/bwriteherewritenow
Oscar’s email address is : rodentone@woh.rr.com and he would appreciate an occasional hello.
He married a nice skunk girl named Malodor. She tries to control him, with limited success. Although Oscar tries to behave, he sometimes reverts to his true nature, a rat. Also, Malodor’s teenage niece, Nancy Skunk, lives with them and is often referred to in his work. If you can’t reach Oscar, I live down the hall. Oscar spends a lot of time getting drunk in the Ratskellar bar in the basement.
Charlie - hvysmker